Tucker’s Last Taunt: A review of Tucker Carlson Originals’ “The End Of Men”
Above the storms of Cancel Culture, one man stands in the stratosphere high above the collective shrieking REEE of Leftists in every major metro area. Tucker Carlson, the pundit formerly known as a bow-tie-wearing neocon, has matured into an everyman’s issuer of daily reality checks. At least that’s what his brand is. His bold humor and conservative perspectives are becoming legendary to his fans, and his success is undeniable. Tucker Carlson Tonight is consistently one of the highest-rated primetime news programs in the country.
Whether one agrees with him or not, it takes massive balls to go against establishment narratives and make fun of the ruling Regime to its face, every night. It’s fitting, then, that the latest attention-grabbing episode of Tucker Carlson Originals, The End Of Men, on FoxNation‘s online subscription channel, is an expose on the puzzling drop in testosterone levels of American men over the past forty years. The implication alone that male hormones being too low is a serious problem and a threat to humanity’s very survival is already a frontal assault against the Leftist war on Toxic Masculinity.
The End Of Men opens with a montage of ripped dudes, man boobs, fat kids, polluted water, rocket launches, and even Joe Biden stumbling on the steps into Air Force One. Dramatic stuff. It’s all strung together by clips of John F. Kennedy explaining the importance of youth physical fitness and Tucker Carlson himself explaining the current problem at hand — testosterone levels and sperm counts are falling rapidly in American men, and if we don’t fix it, our society is doomed. A voice-over by a sophisticated-sounding British dude [Raw Egg Nationalist] explains an ancient and ominous Greek concept: Good times made weak men, weak men made hard times, hard times made strong men, and the cycle continued.
Let the show begin.
In the first segment of the show, Tucker plays to the nostalgia of his target audience, 18-40-year-old right-wing Twitterers and maybe their concerned parents, by showing us footage of a grueling 1950’s high school physical education class. As it turns out, this program at La Sierra High School in Carmichael, California, was a topic of much interest to none other than John F. Kennedy. JFK attempted to create a national exercise program based on that PE class which churned out strapping young men by the dozen almost a century ago. There’s plenty of footage of both JFK, a war hero and notorious pussy hound, and young, virile dudes wearing the short shorts of yesteryear. There’s even a brief clip of JFK’s last moments at Dealey Plaza, not so subtly implying that his assassination and the surrounding conspiracy theories have something to do with declining sperm count.
It’s hard to argue against this hypothesis. The signs of endocrine dysfunction surround us; motorized carts at Walmart groaning under morbid obesity, constant commercials for diabetes medications that are unusually upbeat, young men sipping Frappuccinos at Starbucks with bitch tits and pink hair, and celebrities from Alex Jones to Snoop Dogg slinging their favorite brands of dick pills. It’s all a far cry from the 1950’s WASPy wet dream of a nation of freedom-loving, military-ready high school jocks with constant hard-ons. As a medical provider myself, the proliferation of Men’s Health as a highly lucrative specialty says it all. Guys want to feel good, get ripped, and they want their tool to work when they score hot poon. And apparently it’s not.
With the help of Robert Kennedy Jr. and others, the show then proceeds to delve into The Science behind all this. We’re told in no uncertain terms that testosterone levels and sperm counts are definitely falling, and brief screenshots of Sciencey-looking research articles seem to confirm our deepest fears. The culprits are nasty chemicals surrounding our junk at all times, infiltrating our testicles through plastic bottles and tainted water and poisonous food and, well, basically everything. Tiny crocodile penises measured after a certain pesticide was used nearby seem to prove it. Are there any studies to the contrary? We’re not told, but that’s okay because all we need is a little Testosterone Maxxing.
The Science, after all, is just foreplay to the show’s climax, Bro Science. It’s highly topical in the era of COVID when jacked bros and Crossfit hoes were locked down and told to mask up to spare their grandparents’ feeble lives. When it came to COVID restrictions, the government was wrong and Bro Science was right. Exercising, getting natural sunlight, and being generally healthy were one of the best defenses against deadly COVID variants. And it’s here where we finally catch a glimpse of our show’s real villain, Soy Globalism, brought to us by the same communist World Economic Forum vermin that rolled out COVID lockdowns and the Great Reset. The End Of Men is explicit in this claim; Soy Globalism is an intentional attack. Our trustworthy Euro voice-over returns to tell us that, “The Globalists want you to be fat, sick, depressed, and isolated. The better to control you, and to milk you for as much economic value as they can, before they kill you. That’s Soy Globalism in a nutshell; own nothing, live in the pod, eat the soy.”
The solution? Raw egg slonking and ball tanning, combined with right-wing Nationalism, of course. Take that, Soy Globalists. Raw eggs are presented as the perfect superfood and the primary ingredient for a healthy individual and a healthy nation. Just crack the shell, drop the slimy sucker into a beer mug, and slug it down. That’s slonking, I guess. What’s important is that you then go lift weights or shoot guns or wrestle other half-naked buff dudes. That’s what we see internet persona “Raw Egg Nationalist” do – our sophisticated-sounding British dude – accompanied by classical music playing, so we know it’s legit.
Then anonymous Twitter star and IM—1776’s “Benjamin Braddock” appears nude, standing before a beautiful natural landscape with arms raised like da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man. His face is blurred and his junk is basking in a red glow behind what looks like an electric vehicle charging station. We come away fairly certain that if we shine enough red light on our nuts and gut enough raw egg yolks, we might actually be able to magically fertilize one into a fully-grown chicken somewhere behind our shredded abs. This is where Tucker Carlson and his team of right-wing Twitter influencers shine. It is obvious trolling of the Left. Regardless of the actual science behind it all and whether there are any true benefits of the virile antics, this portion of the program feels like a blatant Fuck You to the man-hating Left. To Tucker’s fans, it’s catharsis in the form of bodybuilder physiognomy and healthy heterosexual relationships.
That’s not to say the claims are not true. American society as a whole is already recognizing the benefits of eating more natural foods and getting regular, robust exercise as the primary lifestyle modifications to insure optimal health. Dr. Paul Turek M.D., a board-certified urologist, explains that unfortunate young men dealing with reproductive health issues in America go largely ignored by modern medicine. This leads to the need for Bro Science in the first place. That Tucker Carlson and right-wing Twitter influencers can have a sense of humor and ironically emphasize any comical aspects of their lifestyle in a self-deprecating way is a testament to their ideology being grounded in some very human reality.
The End Of Men ends too quickly with images of what is presumably 2020’s statue-toppling summer of mayhem. Raw Egg Nationalist returns a final time to reiterate that these hard times will create strong men, and these strong men will go to great lengths to save our collapsing Republic. And that’s the point: The End Of Men is really a call to arms. Big arms. Massive arms. Raw egg-slonking, axe-wielding, tractor-tire-flipping arms. How exactly 20-inch biceps will solve global geopolitical upheaval is left to the imagination, and we’re left wanting more. A lot more. After all, what well-adjusted American man, or woman for that matter, doesn’t?